As the mass casualty alert came across our computer workstations, the rumors filled the hallways and my phone about a school shooting. The speculations then became reality.

I felt paralyzed thinking about my kids sitting in their school.

I felt deep gratitude when I quickly learned my children’s school was not affected.

I felt ashamed in my selfishness to think only of my kids.

I felt nervous as my open OR was turned into the trauma OR for level 1 activations.

I felt proud that my training and skill set prepared me so well to take care of these patients, whomever they were.

I felt scared that I would let down their families and my community if I was unable to save the patients that came to me.

I felt unwell as we waited for too long.

I felt relief when I heard that no patients were coming to the OR.

I felt hope that more lives were spared than we feared.

I felt overwhelming sorrow to learn that three children and three adults had their lives robbed from them unnecessarily.

Lastly, I felt—and still feel—disbelief and rage knowing this will likely not be the last time this happens to me, my kids, schools, this community. Until it happens again, I will sit with these feelings and let them fuel me to action. I can only hope others do the same.